HOW TO SURVIVE YOUR WORK CHRISTMAS PARTY

Earlier this week I went for a quiet drink (or five) with a friend, to a bar on Brick Lane (which incidentally should change it’s name to The Only Way is Essex Lane). As we sat there talking about how amazing we  are, we were surrounded by city bankers and office workers, getting completely shit-faced on their Christmas work parties. Most of them looked inbred and sounded like they were from Essex, others were “blates posh”, trying desperately to sound less cunty and more “cool” – it was TRAGIC.

As I watched the weird drinking games take place, the awkward flirtation between colleagues, not to mention a man being sick on his laptop bag, I thanked God and Jah that I am not part of an organisation that forces me to make festive small talk with aliens like these. It got me thinking that however financially crippling being a freelancer is, the idea of being a permanent office employee is scarier than Paranormal Activity. But of course for many of my friends and family this is not a prospect, it’s a reality, so for them and for you, I put together these tips to ensure your survival at these festive fuckeries.

1)    DON’T SHAG YOUR BOSS – I’m putting this one out there first because no matter how rich or sexy your boss is, and no matter how horny you are, you DO NOT blow the dick that feeds you. I’m obviously NOT talking from experience here, but hooking up with your boss will only ever end in tears.

2)    EAT BEFORE YOU GO – Who the hell wants to eat a dried up roast dinner that was probably cooked weeks ago for all the Christmas parties in the land, frozen and then reheated? Fuck that. Eat before you go and when you get there just drink and eat the mince pies at the end because mince pies are nice really.

3)    FUCK SECRET SANTA – Who’s big idea was secret fucking Santa anyway? Buying a present for someone you probably don’t like, is not the best way to spend your not so hard earned money is it? Particularly if you’re stuck with buying a gift for one of the IT technicians. What on earth do you buy a man that probably sits at home wanking over Star Wars and java script every day? Something from your local Poundland, that’s what.

4)    WEAR YOUR OWN GARMS - Everyone knows that behind every businessperson’s ugly suit and shoes, there’s a “trendy” dying to come out. This is your chance to show the hoes in HR what you’re really made of. Ladies go for something slutty and tight, and gentlemen draw for your favourite trainers and put some “swagger” in your step. It might make people feel uncomfortable but at least when you finally ditch the losers you work with, your attire wont stop you from getting into a real party.

5)    DRINK A LOT – This is the most important thing for survival really. The prospect of spending time outside of work hours, with work people is only bearable if you’re so sloshed, you forget your own name and that’s that.

6)    DO NOT DRINK A LOT – Contradiction, yes. However sometimes, it can be best to remain the only sober person at the party, that way you can just observe the antics of your colleagues. Hopefully your manager offers you Class A drugs so you can hold it against him next time he tells you off for being 15 minutes late, or spending hours on Facebook. Wanker.

7)    HAVE A DEBATE ABOUT MUSIC – I always imagine that people that work in offices, just listen to Ed Sheeran on repeat all day, because everyone likes Ed Sheeran. Personally I love Ed Sheeran. You can’t hate him because hating Ed Sheeran is the equivalent of hating a newborn puppy. Anyway in this debate, I can guarantee that amongst your work group there will be a former Drum’n’bass pill head, a dubstep fan, a hip hop fan, a blonde PA girl that loves Drake and of course, your secret Santa, the IT technician that wanks over Star Wars, who will be representing for heavy metal bands. What an eclectic bunch.

8)    TRY IT ON WITH AN INTERN – let’s face it, the purpose of interns is to do the shit jobs no one else wants to do, and there is NEVER a permanent position after their 3 month working period, which is why you constantly replace them and pay them for their efforts in false hope. Interns are young, fresh, meat that is there to be exploited…in every way.

9)    AVOID CAMERAS – after being forced to finally accept your colleagues Facebook friend requests (after they stopped offering you cups of tea, because you’re “stuck up”), the LAST thing you want is to be tagged in photos with this ugly bunch of misfits. Stay away from the over keen girl with a camera that is having the time of her life, because chances are she has no friends in real life and she will try to claim you as one.

10)  Finally, and MOST importantly, I’ll say it again – DO NOT SHAG YOUR BOSS. I mean, sure you might give him the best drunken sex of his/her life in the toilets of a Wetherspoon’s, and ladies it could turn into a pay rise if you play your pussy right (men are such mugs), but ultimately you’ll end up fired. Or even WORSE he might “fall in love with you” and suggest leaving his dry old wife to be with you, and let’s be honest, it’s a monetary agreement. Nobody wants to be their bosses wifey for life.

And that’s it. Your 10 tips to make Work Christmas Party Hell less bullshit. Lucky for me I’m a freelancer so I don’t get invited to Christmas parties. But one day maybe I will love money enough to let the corporate world suck me in, in which case I’ll have to bear all of this in mind too.

Enjoy your work parties guyz. You can thank me another time.

(via my personal blog www.loukic.tumblr.com)